Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
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my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I support this random dude and all his protests
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.