Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
You Might Also Like
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one