@ThisOneSayz

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

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@KonaSlater

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

@DamienFahey

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

@yogaknifefight

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

@WilliamAder

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

@oneawkwardmom

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

@KevinBuffalo

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

@SmurfetteDE

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

@mimismartypants

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter