@PajamaBen_ “The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
@ThisOneSayz Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
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@PajamaBen_ 
@panmidwest THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
@joejwest WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
@Beatonm5 driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
@FlyJ_ You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
@yoyoha “There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
@BuckyIsotope [I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
@stephenjmolloy “Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
@dhumann Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
@Rollinintheseat We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.