Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
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fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.