Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

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“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”


THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!



WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?


driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself


You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.


“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children


[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people


Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”

Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”


We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.