things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
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[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
At least try to make it slightly believable
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife