Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
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Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Ovenable?
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.