Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
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they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁