If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
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Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.