Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
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Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Practicing safe sax
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what