Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

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If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends


nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-


nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope


If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.


Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.


“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer


Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.


The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture


‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.