@RunOldMan

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

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@drunkNnaughty

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

@clichedout

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

@Tmoney68

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

@Dani_Feld

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

@JosesLovesYou

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

@eggnook

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

@AnnaKendrick47

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

@mdob11

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.