Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
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I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
much to think about
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
(more comics:
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not