Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
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Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
yeah no that’s fair
A double negative is a big no-no.