things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
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If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how鈥檚 it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY鈥橰E ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
6y/o: I don鈥檛 want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don鈥檛 want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don鈥檛 put ants in your mouth
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I鈥檒l take it.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
please sir. my succotash. it鈥檚 suffering.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 馃槶馃ズ馃グ (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 馃槀
Gosh I love her sooo much 鈥硷笍
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart鈥檚 plane. Gosh, I hope she鈥檚 alright.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Husband: What鈥檚 up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It鈥檚 so I don鈥檛 forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it鈥檚 time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I鈥檒l miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter