Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
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if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
This did not end as expected.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Has science gone too far?
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.