Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
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Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.