Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

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Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.


“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly


*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!


This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*


Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.


Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.


Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]


me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home


As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.


a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”