@TheTweetOfGod

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

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@rickkondell

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

@meganamram

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

@ThisOneSayz

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

@Shariv67

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

@

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

@Brentweets

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

@kanwetwitty

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

@MarfSalvador

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

@Carbosly

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

@ch000ch

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”