#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
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pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
one last job
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me