Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
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Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
That’s incredible! 👌
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe