Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

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I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps


How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…


Him:When do you get off?

Me: Usually once you go to sleep




Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.


my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents


ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth


3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?


Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”

[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]


I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late


Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?


Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud