I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
You Might Also Like
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud