Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
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Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
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“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.