Think I pulled my liver
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[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]