Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
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the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?