Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
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Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat