@Burger_Time_

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

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@Hormonella

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

@mrtruthandsoul

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

@SavageDabs69

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

@chairkeyre

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

@RxCunt

If your going to insult me at least make me Google it

@beaveinflow

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

@cxrtezs

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

@Swishergirl24

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.