Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

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Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…


Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.


Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.


I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward


If your going to insult me at least make me Google it


My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.


dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife


Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”


My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.