think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
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[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”