Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
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I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I am HOWLING at this
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*