I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
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Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
“How often do you floss?”
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.