Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
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everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
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People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.