@simoncholland

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

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@eff_yeah_steph

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

@IDontSpeakWhine

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.

@DanMentos

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

@KentWGraham

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

@ristolable

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

@joeljeffrey

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

@bossy_bootz

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

@LoveNLunchmeat

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.