thinking about a very short hotdog
You Might Also Like
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Chicago sounds lovely.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil