Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
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My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
was Jim off killing horses or…
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.