thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
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I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.