Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
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ouch
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Donkey Kong sommelier
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating