Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
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(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I occasionally drink every single night.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Not today, today.
Not today.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what