Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
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I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
“I FIXED IT!”
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating