Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
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When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.