thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
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‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
my sentiments exactly
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras