Thinking about Jeff
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Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive