Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
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Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.