Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
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Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.