thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
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My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Forever 21… pounds overweight
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.