Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
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[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Noted.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.