Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
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Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.