Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
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Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
c’mon!
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?