Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
LOOOOOOL
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.