Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
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[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you