*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
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All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Still a very good boi….
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.