*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined