[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
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I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Smooooooth
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)