This a good idea
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me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*