This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
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There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back