This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
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Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.