This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
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Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
me after drinking all the wine:
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.