this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
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When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes