This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

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First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.


“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”


My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new


A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.


COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn’t you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives


Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.


I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.