My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
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First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.