This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.