This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

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*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”


‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.


Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.


Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??


The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..


Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…


BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.


Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.