Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
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Life cycle of cat
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.